December 14, 2017
Today I decided to do something different from my usual opinion article in order to save a little time since tomorrow I’m going to see the premiere of Star Wars, which of course takes priority. I enjoy writing all kinds of things, so why not a fan-fic poem? The holidays coming up, I also thought it might be a fun idea to deviate from the norm. If you would like to see more fan-fic or poetry in the future, let me know in the comments or on Twitter and maybe I’ll make it a regular thing. Probably not, though.
Many fine guests to the kingdom did ride,
Upon the first day of our Wintertide,
A fine celebration in the name of the yule,
Each year did bring travelers from afar to Hyrule.
In attendance were Princess Zelda, of course,
And many nobles who had come in by horse,
Many had bodyguards, the Princess no exception,
Had taken a fine swordsman, her personal selection.
Unbeknownst to Zelda, there were guests three,
Who all delighted in his company,
Ruto of Zora, Saria, of Kokirish ilk,
And Malon who snuck in after delivering the milk.
In the center of the room hung fine mistletoe,
And each of the women thought the others as foes,
They would see the swordsman underneath and steal a kiss,
For that’s a tradition in Hylian Christmas.
Zelda tried first, “O, sir Link,” she declared,
“I would love to dance, but I feel unprepared,
Won’t you help me learn how, it would be my delight!”
And Link led her under the bright center lights.
Almost underneath, Link spun her around,
Handing her to Revali, who was surprisingly on the ground,
“So you wish to learn dance?” Revali said like a douche,
“I am the finest teacher, just watch how I swoosh!”
With one opponent distracted, Saria stepped forth
But she couldn’t see over everybody, since Kokiri are short,
And Malon tried next, but as she became mobile,
Some guards forced her out ‘cause she was not a noble.
Ruto the last, the chance surely was her’s,
She had no hesitation as a conversation she’d stir,
Link said not a word as he listened to her prattle,
Apparently that’s a quirk even she could not rattle.
After minutes of silence, she got quite tired,
To win this silent swordsman she no longer desired,
She left in as huff, and left Link alone,
He returned to his post, and stood still as stone.
Revali and Zelda, still on the dance floor,
Twirled around to one side and then back once more,
Revali tossed her upward then created a gust fair,
The two of them continued their dance in the air.
The gust blew the mistletoe down from the ceiling,
And it fell upon Link, who had an awkward feeling,
As the closest of all was Zora Prince Sidon,
Who was always eager to turn his swagger on.
Link bolted to the dance floor and caught Zelda where she fell,
And the implications herein I assume you know well,
After sharing a smooch, Link lost track of his thoughts,
And instead of sweet words, he just shouted, “ HYAAAT!”